Guess who's Back? (please don't switch off you're computer!)

Hello. Loads of stuff has happened since i last blogged which i won't bore you with, but i seem to have broken the habit of getting up at mid-afternoon. I've started to get my lazy ass out of bed at 10am consistently which is a f##king miracle in itself, and now i'm doing voluntary work with 'changes' nearly every day, apart from fridays when i co-ordinate a meeting. I do a few talks now and again going into the more crazy side of my life in order to help people appreciate how someone can turn their life around from being majorly unwell and f##ked-up to being reasonably sorted out (!?).
So things are going reasonably ok, apart from a romance that never got off the ground! We are good mates but i don't think anything will come of it in that respect- no suprise there!
Anywell, take it easy fellow bloggers, and i will try to post a bit more often (did i hear groans in the ether?)
Simon

I'm Going Back to Kick Some Ass!!

I have finally mustered up the courage to resume my Kung Fu!! I am very nervous about going back because i know it will be very difficult, as i haven't been for many months and am very out of condition! Still, i am going for it! Sitting on my own in my flat thinking about the past and worrying about the future (indulging in negative speculation) has been very unhelpful and counter-productive; i have decided to say to myself 'f**k it!' its time for action! My masterplan is to go back to kung-fu for about 3 months and when i feel fitter and in a good frame-of-mind i will start going to a gym and working-out. Eat your heart out Arnie! By concentrating on my physical health i hope to bring about a better state of mental health, as exercise and good nutrition has been proved to have a very positive impact on emotional and mental health. The depression i experience so much will hopefully receed into the background, and play a less significant role in my life! Motivating myself will always be an issue, but once i start to see the benefits, i know this will spur me on! F**k you duvet, this is my life and i'm going to live it god- damit! Watch this space for my progress (i'd better do it now or i'm going to look a right prat).
Take care fellow bloggers, may the Force be with You!

The Battle Goes On!!

The duvet has started to fight me with annoying and scary ferocity, smothering me with its softness, enticing me into its warm embrace, where ll my problems will be at bay whilst i hide from reality in its suffocating dreamworld. I'm still fighting though, even though it try's to stiffle my mind, i refuse to surrender!! So here i am again and its not all bad news, I have recently come back from a lovely holiday in Ibiza, where the warm sun and chilled out vibe where a real boost to my weary yet restless spirit. I even went to a couple of nightclubs, but didn't dance because i'm way too self-concious for that, and just buzzed of the happy vibe! Gary, my commrade in the battle against low-self esteem and confidence, continues to be a great support and help to me and i thank him for that. I miss seeing Emma and Nat and the rest of the mindbloggling possey, but hopefully i can use this blog to maintain contact with them and hopefully arrange for us all to meet up again soon! Congratulations to you Emma on your new job!!! I'm sure you will prove to be a great asset to the organisation! Anyway, the duvet is whispering my name so i'm going to sign off now, but the bastard is not going to have the last laugh! See ya all soon,
Simon

In the shit again!

I'm not doing too well at the moment ( what's new eh?). Things have really been getting on top of me lately and i am currently residing at Hillcrest Hostel having some respite. I'm getting sick and tired of being sick and tired if you know what i mean! It's good to know that people are rooting for me and care when i'm not well, but it's still hard to get out from under that duvet. I haven't posted for a long time but i thought i would make the effort, and it has made me feel a bit better doing this blog. When i'm back at home i will get looking at other peoples' blogs and make some encouraging comments. Take care my fellow bloggers and stay positive.
Simon

Things Are Looking Up!!!

Yippee!! I just wanted to let you all know I have finally got my computer connected to the internet and this is my first post using it from home. Thanks to Gary for letting me use his computer for so long, now im up and running I intend to blog alot more regularly.
Wouldn't this weather drive you mad? I've never know a summer so wet and miserable in all my life! As I type this blog the rain is pelting down and lashing against my window.
I had a good piece of news today. I had been stressed all week as I had a medical interiew scheduled for 11.00am today to assess my eligibillity for Incapacity Benefit. However, on my arrival I was informed that due to further investigation at my doctor's they had recieved sufficient evidence to not need to see me that day. All that stress for nothing! However, the good news is they will now leave me alone and let me get on with getting better.
Sorry I missed you all on Friday night it would of been nice to see you but I'm sure we will have a get together again soon.
Just a short blog today but stay tuned for more misery at a later date (only kidding).
See ya,
Simon

Dont' You Sometimes Feel Like Screaming?

Hello everyone thanks for your supportive comments, as always it is nice to know there are people out there rooting for me!
I have got my computer out of its box now after looking at it with terror for the last few weeks. I was convinced there would be problems getting it on-line and guess what- there was! Virgin Media had only gone and supplied me with a start-up disc that was incompatible with my computer's operating system! I will be taking it to the American Clubhouse on wednesday to have it sorted out by a guy who works there, so hopefully I will be on-line soon!
I did manage 8 days smoke-free and was finding it quite easy, but I had 3 lots of very bad news concerning my benefits in the space of a few days. I was that stressed-out, I cracked and started smoking again (those bastards at the DWP have got alot to answer for!!). This really depressed me, but I have made an appointment with the smoking therapist and am going to a booster session on the 29th of this month, so hopefully I will stop for good this time. The really annoying thing about all this is I am convinced that had I gone a month or so before all that stress I would not of started smoking again!
At the moment I have been suffering very much from a return of the depression that seems to dog me every time I try to do something positive and things go wrong, or not quite to plan.
I confess that a couple of saturdays in a row a few weeks ago I sought solace and an escape from the ever-present and overwhelming negative, depressing thoughts by taking some amphetamine. I had a great time whilst I was out on the town with some friends but then earlier on this last week I started to feel really unwell mentally and I think the amphetamine was to blame. I know it was a really stupid thing to do and I don't deserve any sympathy, but I was so desperate to get some relief from the torment I was feeling.
I have stopped taking it now and vowed never to take it again, but the depression has come back with avengence. Sometimes I feel like just ending it all because I feel so miserable and stressed-out over every little thing, but I am trying my best to cope. I just get sick and tired of being sick and tired if you know what I mean?
I am doing this CCMH course if it kills me, but I feel very unsure about the prospect of ever being consistently well enough to go back to work. I will return to my Kung-fu when I feel better, and I try to console myself with the thought that I do have friends and family, no matter how lonely I feel, and that is alot more than some people have. Gary is a real friend to me and he is someone that I know I can trust, especially when I am feeling really low, and that is priceless! Thanks to all the people at media action, particularly Emma Brown, for their unwavering support and positivity. I hope that somehow this mindblogging can be kept going despite the withdrawal of funding, because it is a brilliant vehicle for people to support each other and speak from the heart.
Take care everyone and remember that there are people out there who care!
Simon x

Moving Out of My Uncomfortable Zone

First of all I want to thank all of you who commented on my last blog with your supportive responses it means alot!
I have slid-back a bit since my last post with regards to spending alot of time in bed and not going to my kung-fu, but I'm getting a bit better again. I didn't see much point in going to kung-fu whilst I was smoking 30+fags a day, as I was just not getting any fitter. I have been really desperate to stop smoking for ages but have just not been able to do it. I am, however, going to a professional clinic on saturday which I am determined will stop me smoking for good. They offer a money back guarantee, and based on this there is a 90+% success rate! My thinking is that when I am no longer smoking I can go back to kung-fu in a much better frame of mind knowing I will get fitter as time progresses.
Another positive thing that has happened is that I am now doing a course called the Community Certificate in Mental Health or CCMH for short. It is a very involved, quite intense and challenging course but I feel ready to do it (I'll give it my best shot anyway!) I also intend do do a computer course to improve my I.T skills to improve my job prospects in the future and also hopefully to enjoy as an end in itself.
I hope you are all doing o.k. out there and once my computer is up and running (the bastards didn't send the instruction manual so I've had to get a mate to print it off their website and it was 166 pages long!) I will be able to blog more often and comment on your blogs alot more frequently!
By the way Emma it's 'Highway to Hell' but i'm not splitting hairs :-) and I am really looking forward to us getting together and performing a jamming session!
Anyway I've waffled on enough now, so take care and I'll see you all soon (metaphorically speaking!)
Simon