I'm Going Back to Kick Some Ass!!

I have finally mustered up the courage to resume my Kung Fu!! I am very nervous about going back because i know it will be very difficult, as i haven't been for many months and am very out of condition! Still, i am going for it! Sitting on my own in my flat thinking about the past and worrying about the future (indulging in negative speculation) has been very unhelpful and counter-productive; i have decided to say to myself 'f**k it!' its time for action! My masterplan is to go back to kung-fu for about 3 months and when i feel fitter and in a good frame-of-mind i will start going to a gym and working-out. Eat your heart out Arnie! By concentrating on my physical health i hope to bring about a better state of mental health, as exercise and good nutrition has been proved to have a very positive impact on emotional and mental health. The depression i experience so much will hopefully receed into the background, and play a less significant role in my life! Motivating myself will always be an issue, but once i start to see the benefits, i know this will spur me on! F**k you duvet, this is my life and i'm going to live it god- damit! Watch this space for my progress (i'd better do it now or i'm going to look a right prat).
Take care fellow bloggers, may the Force be with You!

The Battle Goes On!!

The duvet has started to fight me with annoying and scary ferocity, smothering me with its softness, enticing me into its warm embrace, where ll my problems will be at bay whilst i hide from reality in its suffocating dreamworld. I'm still fighting though, even though it try's to stiffle my mind, i refuse to surrender!! So here i am again and its not all bad news, I have recently come back from a lovely holiday in Ibiza, where the warm sun and chilled out vibe where a real boost to my weary yet restless spirit. I even went to a couple of nightclubs, but didn't dance because i'm way too self-concious for that, and just buzzed of the happy vibe! Gary, my commrade in the battle against low-self esteem and confidence, continues to be a great support and help to me and i thank him for that. I miss seeing Emma and Nat and the rest of the mindbloggling possey, but hopefully i can use this blog to maintain contact with them and hopefully arrange for us all to meet up again soon! Congratulations to you Emma on your new job!!! I'm sure you will prove to be a great asset to the organisation! Anyway, the duvet is whispering my name so i'm going to sign off now, but the bastard is not going to have the last laugh! See ya all soon,
Simon

In the shit again!

I'm not doing too well at the moment ( what's new eh?). Things have really been getting on top of me lately and i am currently residing at Hillcrest Hostel having some respite. I'm getting sick and tired of being sick and tired if you know what i mean! It's good to know that people are rooting for me and care when i'm not well, but it's still hard to get out from under that duvet. I haven't posted for a long time but i thought i would make the effort, and it has made me feel a bit better doing this blog. When i'm back at home i will get looking at other peoples' blogs and make some encouraging comments. Take care my fellow bloggers and stay positive.
Simon

Things Are Looking Up!!!

Yippee!! I just wanted to let you all know I have finally got my computer connected to the internet and this is my first post using it from home. Thanks to Gary for letting me use his computer for so long, now im up and running I intend to blog alot more regularly.
Wouldn't this weather drive you mad? I've never know a summer so wet and miserable in all my life! As I type this blog the rain is pelting down and lashing against my window.
I had a good piece of news today. I had been stressed all week as I had a medical interiew scheduled for 11.00am today to assess my eligibillity for Incapacity Benefit. However, on my arrival I was informed that due to further investigation at my doctor's they had recieved sufficient evidence to not need to see me that day. All that stress for nothing! However, the good news is they will now leave me alone and let me get on with getting better.
Sorry I missed you all on Friday night it would of been nice to see you but I'm sure we will have a get together again soon.
Just a short blog today but stay tuned for more misery at a later date (only kidding).
See ya,
Simon

Dont' You Sometimes Feel Like Screaming?

Hello everyone thanks for your supportive comments, as always it is nice to know there are people out there rooting for me!
I have got my computer out of its box now after looking at it with terror for the last few weeks. I was convinced there would be problems getting it on-line and guess what- there was! Virgin Media had only gone and supplied me with a start-up disc that was incompatible with my computer's operating system! I will be taking it to the American Clubhouse on wednesday to have it sorted out by a guy who works there, so hopefully I will be on-line soon!
I did manage 8 days smoke-free and was finding it quite easy, but I had 3 lots of very bad news concerning my benefits in the space of a few days. I was that stressed-out, I cracked and started smoking again (those bastards at the DWP have got alot to answer for!!). This really depressed me, but I have made an appointment with the smoking therapist and am going to a booster session on the 29th of this month, so hopefully I will stop for good this time. The really annoying thing about all this is I am convinced that had I gone a month or so before all that stress I would not of started smoking again!
At the moment I have been suffering very much from a return of the depression that seems to dog me every time I try to do something positive and things go wrong, or not quite to plan.
I confess that a couple of saturdays in a row a few weeks ago I sought solace and an escape from the ever-present and overwhelming negative, depressing thoughts by taking some amphetamine. I had a great time whilst I was out on the town with some friends but then earlier on this last week I started to feel really unwell mentally and I think the amphetamine was to blame. I know it was a really stupid thing to do and I don't deserve any sympathy, but I was so desperate to get some relief from the torment I was feeling.
I have stopped taking it now and vowed never to take it again, but the depression has come back with avengence. Sometimes I feel like just ending it all because I feel so miserable and stressed-out over every little thing, but I am trying my best to cope. I just get sick and tired of being sick and tired if you know what I mean?
I am doing this CCMH course if it kills me, but I feel very unsure about the prospect of ever being consistently well enough to go back to work. I will return to my Kung-fu when I feel better, and I try to console myself with the thought that I do have friends and family, no matter how lonely I feel, and that is alot more than some people have. Gary is a real friend to me and he is someone that I know I can trust, especially when I am feeling really low, and that is priceless! Thanks to all the people at media action, particularly Emma Brown, for their unwavering support and positivity. I hope that somehow this mindblogging can be kept going despite the withdrawal of funding, because it is a brilliant vehicle for people to support each other and speak from the heart.
Take care everyone and remember that there are people out there who care!
Simon x

Moving Out of My Uncomfortable Zone

First of all I want to thank all of you who commented on my last blog with your supportive responses it means alot!
I have slid-back a bit since my last post with regards to spending alot of time in bed and not going to my kung-fu, but I'm getting a bit better again. I didn't see much point in going to kung-fu whilst I was smoking 30+fags a day, as I was just not getting any fitter. I have been really desperate to stop smoking for ages but have just not been able to do it. I am, however, going to a professional clinic on saturday which I am determined will stop me smoking for good. They offer a money back guarantee, and based on this there is a 90+% success rate! My thinking is that when I am no longer smoking I can go back to kung-fu in a much better frame of mind knowing I will get fitter as time progresses.
Another positive thing that has happened is that I am now doing a course called the Community Certificate in Mental Health or CCMH for short. It is a very involved, quite intense and challenging course but I feel ready to do it (I'll give it my best shot anyway!) I also intend do do a computer course to improve my I.T skills to improve my job prospects in the future and also hopefully to enjoy as an end in itself.
I hope you are all doing o.k. out there and once my computer is up and running (the bastards didn't send the instruction manual so I've had to get a mate to print it off their website and it was 166 pages long!) I will be able to blog more often and comment on your blogs alot more frequently!
By the way Emma it's 'Highway to Hell' but i'm not splitting hairs :-) and I am really looking forward to us getting together and performing a jamming session!
Anyway I've waffled on enough now, so take care and I'll see you all soon (metaphorically speaking!)
Simon

Things are slowly improving

I'm still struggling with depression over many things and staying in bed alot. However I have started going to my kung fu class again and eating slightly better, so I feel like I'm slowly climbing out of the pit. The main title of my blog is a bit misleading as there are very few crazy things happening in my life at the moment! At some point I will try and put down some of the interesting experiences I have had within the mental health system and elsewhere, but not today because I just don't feel up to it.
I hope everyone outhere is feeling o.k. but if not I hope you feel better soon. I have ordered a lap-top from the internet so I should be able to blog more often. At the moment I am dependent on my good friend Gary, who kindly lets me use his computer.
I'm very worried about my mum at the moment; she has progressive myopia and has been told that her condition is deteriorating. I can't imagine what she must be going through, as I know she is terrified of the possibility that she may be going blind. I feel really powerless to help her and its a nasty feeling! Anyway that's enough good news for one blog! Take care everyone and I look forward to blogging again soon on my new computer!
Simon

I'm Back

Hi everyone. Sorry i haven't posted for so long but i've been spending a bit too much time in bed lately and have been really lazy and unmotivated. I still feel quite depressed but nowhere as bad as i have been in the past so that's something to be glad of i suppose. I hope everyone is doing o.k. and things are going pretty well. I will be checking out some other peoples' blogs and posting a few comments soon so watch this space.
Nothing major has happened in the few weeks since my last blog apart from me starting to assist co-ordinating at some meetings run by "Changes" which is a mental health charity for anyone who doesn't know. There are many more things i would like to do if only i could get off my backside and stop being so lazy and negative about everything. Trouble is i do experience alot of low moods and feel so unmotivated that i keep slipping back into old bad habits and unhelpful behaviour. I'll keep on trying though because one thing is, despite many failures, i'm not a quitter, and my friends and family help me to keep on going even when everything keeps going tits-up.
There is also a good support network for me consisting of the mental health services and Brighter Futures with whom i am housed (a BRILLIANT organisation) plus Phoenix and Brunswick House for when things are getting too much; so i am very lucky really as many people do not have such resources or support to draw on and my admiration goes out to them for coping as well as they do. I've been feeling very lonely lately, and spending alot of time thinking about my life with my ex-partner of 9yrs that i split-up with over 4 yrs ago which i know isn't healthy but is nearly always in the background. I have many regrets about the way i've lived my life and the way things have turned out, but i guess we all have, and by doing this self-torture i am not only causing myself emotional pain i am also preventing myself from moving forward. I feel so afraid of messing-up my life again that i keep holding myself back from taking any chances incase things go wrong and this is why i feel so unhappy because i feel trapped and stagnant.
Please post me some encouragement because i could really do with a lift at the moment and it makes a real difference to know people out there are actually reading my stuff and taking the time to respond.
Take it easy everyone and i hope to hear from you soon (or should that be 'read from you soon'?
Love and best wishes to you all,
Simon

Shit Happens!

Hi there everyone i've not been having such a good time lately. My car is ace and i've really been enjoying that but my head has been really mashed-up lately. Ive been having some really bad feelings about my past experiences and had been indulging in some very unhealthy behaviour to block them out like abusing my sleeping tablets, not eating, staying in bed alot etc, and was rapidly going down-hill. It culminated in me becoming so unwell mentally that i had to go to the Harplands Hospital for a few days to get sorted out. Im still not right and am going into Phoenix House (a safe house run by Brighter Futures with whom im housed) for a long weekend to try and get back on an even keel. Im sick and tired of being sick and tired. Some people say that they wouldn't change having a mental health problem but i bloody would!! Anyway, "it is what it is" as my mate Daz would say so i suppose i'm just going to have to get on with it as everyone else does. Sorry to be telling you about such negative occurances but i like to be honest about whats going on so at least when good things happen there is a balance. I will post again when i come out and let you all know how i'm getting on. If anyone else is having a bad time let me know and i will try and give you a lift and some positive feedback/advice (pity i dont take it as well as i give it!) See you later, Simon

Driving Again!!

Hi everyone just thought i'd share some good news! after being without a car for 4yrs i am finally aquiring a Renault Clio 1.4 16v on saturday and i'm very excited! I will be able to get out and about far easier and it will open up new horizons for me. There will be no more boy-racing for me as i've grown out of that now and my White van-man days are well and truly over!!
I will let you know how my first proper journey went as i haven't driven for 4 years and must admit i am a bit nervous about being on our busy and hectic roads!
See you all later, Si

A Strange Experience

Thank you all for your comments and support i find it difficult to accept compliments and your positive responses mean alot to me! It has and remains a privilage to know you too adanac67 and i hope our frienship will continue for many more years!I have a story to tell that happened last night that seems to me to be one of those "meant to be" occassions".I'd just had my last session at the coordinators course which had gone very well despite my being extremely nervous! Everyone there were sad that it had come to an end and we arranged to go out for a meal next mon eve and endevour to stay in touch which i hope happens. Anyway, back to the story.I left my mate at the bus station at 10.10pm once he was safely on the bus and decided to walk back home to Burslem rather than hang around another 20min in that dodgy place! As i got to the end of my road i saw a man staggering about obviously very drunk and i felt quite anxious and was going to give him as wide a berth as possible when he suddenly fell over heavily and looked like he had passed out. I must admit i initially had an urge to walk past and not get involved but something inside me just clicked and before i knew it i had bent down and was asking him if he was o.k. He had fallen awkwardly and i was concerned that he might choke on his vomit or either be robbed by some shithead or arrested and be thrown in a cell. I got the impression he might get rowdy so i thought he may very well get into trouble as the police station was only round the corner! I helped him to his feet and asked him his name and where he lived and just tried to keep him talking and not collapsing on me!! He was very grateful and kept saying "your f#####g sound you are mate" and other comments which made me smile to myself and i carried on talking to him and tying to keep him happy and not shouting or getting rowdy. I must admit i had a horrible feeling that i could be attacked as i didn't know him from Adam but i just put those thoughts out of my mind and got on with it. I tried to keep the mood light and say nice things to him and keep things friendly. It was quite a surreal experience walking down an empty street at 12.00am with my arm around a bloke i didn't know also called Simon who said he was also on medication for mood swings!!!!! (How weird is that??) Finally, after walking down many back-streets, which really freaked me out, we arrived at his house. He couldn't get the key in the door so i opened it for him and we went inside. All the way home he had been talking about me staying the night but i insisted that i could only stay 30min. I got the impression from talking to him that he was very lonely and this resonated quite strongly as i also live alone and was further confirmed when i saw his house and the staffy bull terrior that was his only company. We went out to the garage up the road to try and buy some fags as i was desperate for one as i'm a heavy smoker anyway and all the stress had made left me gasping for one!! Typically the garage was shut for some unknown reason and we walked back to his house. After making sure he was o.k. i left at about 12.30am and made my way home. I'm warey of reading too much into situations but i hate to think what might of happened to him if i had'nt of stopped to help him and i'm glad i did as i would like to think someone would do the same for me. It just goes to show that your first instincts are NOT always right and taking a chance is sometimes the right and ultimately most rewarding thing to do!
I hope this little tale has been interesting and i will let you all know of anymore developements
in my crazy world!
Take care everyone and remember THE TRUTH IS OUT THERE!!!!

First post feb 20th 2007

Hi everyone this is my first blog and i haven't got much idea what i'm doing!!!
I have been doing the "Changes" co-ordinators course on a monday night for
about 16wks and have met some really nice people. There is a Canadian bloke
there that cracks some awful jokes but he knows I think alot of him (you know who you are!!)
Everyone on the course has helped me to realise that we are all struggling with our own
demons and i have heard some real honesty from other people about their past and present
experiences!!! Good luck to all the people on the course and i hope many of them go on to co-ordinate and help others who are struggling!
I will be back soon for another riverting episode!